Get Over It....

It seems lately that there isn't a day goes by that my SS doesn't find some new way to torment us. So why haven't I posted? I'm trying to get over it. Only, it's not working. Instead I am dwelling on it. Trevor's newest antic: He texted his dad to "request" that he "start fresh" so that he doesn't have to be grounded any more, after all it's been six months, dad. Oh, and can you buy me a wakeboard and shoes and clothes and you should let me bring friends over because your house is boring. So how can I show him Christ's love? Really. How? All I want to do is roll my eyes at him. I wonder what it will be like when he does return. Supposedly he's coming this weekend, but he says that every week. We'll see

Vengence is mine...

So I know it's been awhile since I posted. Actually, things have been rather calm on the SS front. He's not been around and he rarely calls, so he's almost an afterthought these days. Actually, I am apprently in nesting mode; though I am not pregnant, I want to be, so I think I am projecting the symptoms onto myself. :) Anyway, that combined with my hours of HGTV each day (since all my regular programs are in rerun mode) makes me not only clean and straighten, but also redecorate. So as I was ripping down a wallpaper border in the future baby room (what is at least for now going to be our guest room), I for the billionth time walked past Trevor's closed door.... which was decorated (loose term) with oodles of skater stickers of nasty skulls and brand names. Well, I was ready for something fresh - so I just ripped them all off the door, gave it a good scrub and a satisfying nod. I didn't even THINK to ask Andrew if it was okay. Then I worried that I had gone too far, that I had overstepped my boundaries. But he was totally okay with it.

That was last week, more recently I've got the idea in my head to turn SS's room into a guest room, to make room for our hypothetical baby that we will either give birth to or adopt in the current spare bedroom. Andrew's response: he's a bit more hesitant, but understands. I want Trevor to feel like he has a place in our home, but let's face it - he hasn't been around for over six months, and he's stayed overnight maybe 12 times in the last year and a half - so why are we keeping a room for him? Andrew even removed SS's toiletries from the bathroom last week, without any prompting from me. When I asked him why, he said, "I was tired of staring at it."

So it was Father's Day weekend, of course, and Trevor once again texted his dad saying he was hanging with his girlfriend this weekend and he "would come over really soon, like really soon, because I need to dad, I do." WHATEVER. Here's where the vengence part comes in.... The kid is irking me. He's hurting his dad over and over and over again and honestly, I want him to pay. I want him to feel the same pain. But when Trevor calls on D-Day, Andrew is all cool and kind and "what's up, dude?" Oh, I was riled. Why? Well, like I said, I want Trevor to pay, I want to protect my hubby, but also, I get to see all the turmoil, but all Trevor gets is sunshine and rainbows.... how will he know how much he is hurting his dad if his dad never voices it? But, I am trying to really think about what God would want me to feel. I explained to Andrew what I am feeling, that I'm not even sure I could define it, but that I wanted him to know where I am at. He again, awesome man that he is, understood. He wants Trevor to know he's loved. I want him to feel the pain. Hopefully we can find a balance...

What would YOU do?

So much to talk about, so little time. But I'll give it a shot...

First, we found out about a week ago that Trevor has been smoking pot. This has been confirmed through his doctor via a drug test. Of course, he denies everything. Check that, he did deny everything, then he said it was residual from sitting by someone smoking it in the park, then he admitted to smoking, but only after he was tested.

So when Andrew spoke with Trevor's mom about it, she was her typical self. First she slammed Trevor for his actions, then she said she didn't want to be too hard on him. So she "forbid" him from ever going to that park again, yet she still lets him hang out until 11 or 12 at night doing who-knows-what.

Oh, it was soooo funny. Ex-wife says to Andrew (I was sitting in the room next to him when she called and she has a loud voice): "I told him if he isn't good I will make Linda (that's me) babysit him everyday this summer because I know she will keep him in line." Um, WHAT?! First of all, not my problem. Okay, I know God put me in Trevor's life, but I am not responsible for the problems that bad parenting have caused. Second, this woman hates me, though she doesn't know me at all. Finally, okay, so I am a teacher, but that doesn't mean I sit on my rump all day long during the summer months just waiting for something to do. Actually, I have two jobs and I am going to school, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't watch the kid who is my bully.

It was just the day after we learned all this that Trevor randomly walks down our stairs as Andrew and I are eating dinner! Keep in mind that we haven't seen Trevor in nearly six months and he hasn't even returned his own father's phone calls for over a week, yet here he trounces in, unannounced, with three friends in tow! He had written his bike just to say hi, I guess.

It was a total God-thing, gotta tell ya. Normally I have to really prepare myself for his arrival - both emotionally and spiritually, but this time I was able to smile sincerely, offer his friends food, and welcome him back. Not to mention the house was actually clean because God had given me a spurt of energy after I got home from working 8 hours that day... enough energy to do the living room, kitchen, and amazing make enough to feed not just Andrew and I but also Trevor and all of his friends!

So, even though our dealing with Trevor have been bruised at best, I was able to handle his hour-long visit, just enough for him to grab some food, play some hoops with his friends, and exchange a total of maybe four sentences with his dad.

Are all teenagers like this? And tell me, what would YOU have done in this situation? How long should I continue to play nice? If he lived with us, he'd be grounded, not running literally all over town without any supervision. Yet, in this moment, I didn't feel animosity nor resentment, but rather indifference and maybe even a twinge of compassion!

Another one bites the dust...

Well, something I haven't yet shared is my husband and my desire to have a child. We have been avidly trying for about six months, and just hoping prior to that - that makes 1.5 years since we've been married. And nada. Zilch. Nothing but annoyance and heartache. And every month is more disappointment piled on top of an already mounting pile of grief. I try to be patient, I try to tell myself it's all a part of God's plan. He DOES know best, He really does. But it's just so darn hard, you know. It's difficult when my plan is not what His plan is. I'm at the point that I don't even want to try any more because I hate facing failure.

Andrew and I have talked about adoption, and I am totally open to it. In fact, I want to adopt even if we do have our own kids. I think what's holding me back is the cost. Yes, I know it also costs money to give birth, but I do have stellar insurance. It's the upfront cost of adoption that worries me. But maybe that IS where God is leading us. Pray that I can open my heart to HIS will.

This too shall pass...

Well, things are looking a bit up. Andrew and I talked through our issues, and though there is still some tension, I think we are on the tale end of this particular trouble. Additionally, today was my last day of school (I'm a teacher)! Woohoo! Of course, I start teaching summer school in just one week, and then I start going to school myself in a month, so I've got a busy summer, but it's nice to have a change of pace. I'm wondering how it will work out with Trevor. He's supposed to come over on Thursday nights, which means I would have him all day on Friday by myself. Not a good idea. It's unlikely he'll come, but it's still something that is waring on me.

Oh, and pray for me. I need to get caught up on my Bible reading! Haven't read since Saturday (though I did read a chapter in Really Bad Girls of the Bible). I know that reading God's Word is really the only way to keep my focus where it should be.

It's definitely Monday...

After another weekend without SS, things are rocky at best. Andrew and I are in a bit of a skiff - it's unrelated to SS, but honestly I think he's on edge (and me, too) because SS once again is pulling Andrew in a million directions.

First he calls Saturday saying he misses his dad and wants to go to visit my family for Memorial Day. Despite the fact that my family (my Dad and multiple siblings) has attempted to embrace Trevor, it's still a bit odd since 1) he hates traveling and they live 3 hours away and 2) we were actually at my family's place when he called, and he knew that. So, I guess on the surface, things sounded like Trevor was possibly coming around and wanting to spend good family time together.

And then Sunday he texts his dad claiming he "needs" shoes and can his dad get some for him this weekend when he comes. Keep in mind the kid hasn't been around for four months and he still is grounded for two weekends when he does come. This is pretty much a pattern with SS - only come over when he "needs" something. Actually he's "needed" shoes pretty much non-stop for the two years I have been in his life. Yes, we want to keep him in shoes - he's growing tremendously! But I think we both are a little disgusted by his greediness in conjunction with his perpetual rejection of his dad.

And it was only 40 minutes after infamous text that Andrew and I got into our skiff (coincidence?). And that's never good. Due to past experiences, my reaction to most criticism is to shut down. And Andrew's reaction is to act like nothing is wrong, which only makes me madder. So what should have been a simple fix is now a "we're not talking to each other", full on argument. It's days like today that I wish I could swallow my pride easier....I'll blame it on my gag reflex.

Sometimes when you dig you just don't bring up treasure...

Well, our counseling session was good tonight, but evidently I've got some deep-seeded fears. I want to trust God. I want to trust my husband. But I've been hurt in the past. My first husband did a pretty good number on my emotions and wallet and as a result I am a little leery not because I don't trust Andrew, because I do, but because I need security - I'm afraid of getting hurt again. Do any of you ever experience this? When you have an emotion (like fear or anger or bitterness) that you absolutely do not want to feel, but you're not sure exactly how to "give it over" to God? One thing I've started is reading the Bible daily. While this has helped focus my mind on things of more importance, it doesn't feel like it's enough. I've been at it for two weeks straight now. Not a lot, but more than I have done in the past. Anyone want to join me on my journey? Let's get our hearts right so that God can bless us!