This too shall pass...

Well, things are looking a bit up. Andrew and I talked through our issues, and though there is still some tension, I think we are on the tale end of this particular trouble. Additionally, today was my last day of school (I'm a teacher)! Woohoo! Of course, I start teaching summer school in just one week, and then I start going to school myself in a month, so I've got a busy summer, but it's nice to have a change of pace. I'm wondering how it will work out with Trevor. He's supposed to come over on Thursday nights, which means I would have him all day on Friday by myself. Not a good idea. It's unlikely he'll come, but it's still something that is waring on me.

Oh, and pray for me. I need to get caught up on my Bible reading! Haven't read since Saturday (though I did read a chapter in Really Bad Girls of the Bible). I know that reading God's Word is really the only way to keep my focus where it should be.

It's definitely Monday...

After another weekend without SS, things are rocky at best. Andrew and I are in a bit of a skiff - it's unrelated to SS, but honestly I think he's on edge (and me, too) because SS once again is pulling Andrew in a million directions.

First he calls Saturday saying he misses his dad and wants to go to visit my family for Memorial Day. Despite the fact that my family (my Dad and multiple siblings) has attempted to embrace Trevor, it's still a bit odd since 1) he hates traveling and they live 3 hours away and 2) we were actually at my family's place when he called, and he knew that. So, I guess on the surface, things sounded like Trevor was possibly coming around and wanting to spend good family time together.

And then Sunday he texts his dad claiming he "needs" shoes and can his dad get some for him this weekend when he comes. Keep in mind the kid hasn't been around for four months and he still is grounded for two weekends when he does come. This is pretty much a pattern with SS - only come over when he "needs" something. Actually he's "needed" shoes pretty much non-stop for the two years I have been in his life. Yes, we want to keep him in shoes - he's growing tremendously! But I think we both are a little disgusted by his greediness in conjunction with his perpetual rejection of his dad.

And it was only 40 minutes after infamous text that Andrew and I got into our skiff (coincidence?). And that's never good. Due to past experiences, my reaction to most criticism is to shut down. And Andrew's reaction is to act like nothing is wrong, which only makes me madder. So what should have been a simple fix is now a "we're not talking to each other", full on argument. It's days like today that I wish I could swallow my pride easier....I'll blame it on my gag reflex.

Sometimes when you dig you just don't bring up treasure...

Well, our counseling session was good tonight, but evidently I've got some deep-seeded fears. I want to trust God. I want to trust my husband. But I've been hurt in the past. My first husband did a pretty good number on my emotions and wallet and as a result I am a little leery not because I don't trust Andrew, because I do, but because I need security - I'm afraid of getting hurt again. Do any of you ever experience this? When you have an emotion (like fear or anger or bitterness) that you absolutely do not want to feel, but you're not sure exactly how to "give it over" to God? One thing I've started is reading the Bible daily. While this has helped focus my mind on things of more importance, it doesn't feel like it's enough. I've been at it for two weeks straight now. Not a lot, but more than I have done in the past. Anyone want to join me on my journey? Let's get our hearts right so that God can bless us!

And the annoyance continues....

Via text, Trevor once again rejected his dad. This time he can't come over because he has to cut his grandma's grass. Yes, it's great that he cuts her grass, but it's been FOUR months since he's been here, and always there's an excuse. Andrew is just one step closer to giving up. It's a good thing we are still in counseling. You see, we started before we were married and we just never stopped. We go about once a month just to get a new perspective and sometimes to confirm that we are doing the "right thing". But even with the counseling, pain and torment still exists. I wonder how many other blended families out there are as dysfunctional as ours.

Next weekend, Dad...

According to the Court Order, Andrew is supposed to get his son EW (every weekend); however, twice now Trevor has tried to avoid punishment by refusing to come to our house. The excuses run from riding his bike to going to a truck show with his mom to working with his grandma to hanging out with his girlfriend's relatives to the claim that I am out to get him. The truth is, he has chosen to spend four months away from his own father because he doesn't want to be grounded for two weekends for calling me a "f---ing b----" and threatening to sick his mother on me. This happened last summer, too. I honestly can't remember the exact reason he was grounded, something about him saying horrible things to me about my cooking and refusing to obey his dad. Last time it was a twelve-week avoidance, but he finally realized his dad wouldn't cave. This time it's longer, and a bit harder.

Andrew and I struggle with how to cope. Andrew feels anger toward Trevor when he threatens me (happens frequently) and regret when he hasn't seen his own son for months. I feel guilt for coming between them. Andrew is about ready to give up, to wash his hands of it. But I know that's not what he wants, not deep down in side. It is so hard to see the pain in his face, knowing the hurt that Trevor is causing. Though I realize I am not perfect and Christ is still working on me, I understand that I am not responsible for Trevor's choices, but nonetheless I feel horrible for being the catalyst.

Though Trevor hasn't been physically around for months, his negativity is always present, whether through the few phone conversations each week that Andrew has with him or from the residue of misery that he leaves in his wake. Without fail every couple of weeks Trevor calls to badmouth me, to rant about my "control" or to demand that I leave the house when he comes on the weekends, and it never fails to amaze me he STILL feels this resentment toward me after no contact with me since January. Of course, it's not completely unfounded, as I still feel resentment toward him... the difference is, I don't act on it and I try to work through my emotions without hurting him, his dad, or his mom.

And Andrew has been so strong through it all. So supportive of me. I just don't know how to be the same in return. How do I comfort my husband when I have played a role is his sadness? Andrew doesn't blame me at all, but it's my fear that he will one day. I just have to keep trusting that God will take this from us.

Welcome to My Attempt at Sanity

I've finally decided that I can no longer remain silent. Writing can be therapeutic, and that's precisely what I need right now. After nearly two years of marriage to the most wonderful man on the planet (ok, I'm a little biased), I sadly can't simply revel in the fact that he opens doors for me, does the dishes, folds my clothes, and takes my opinions seriously. What's holding me back? My 15-year-old stepson, Trevor, who has told me that it's his goal in life to ensure Andrew and I get a divorce. As a result of his antics, my stress level is through the roof, and I'm no longer sure how to handle the situation. It's my hope that through this blog I will not only be able to release some of my pent up tension but also seek the help of other stepmothers who can offer sound, Christian advice.

In order to protect everyone involved, names (and likely some details) will be changed, but I can assure you that the emotions behind the blogs will be fully real and fully mine. Together, perhaps, we can lean on one another and get some much needed support for this misadventure known as step-parenting.